The two struggles I have noticed about myself the most since I started college is PTSD and my self confidence. PTSD is post traumatic stress disorder and is caused from extreme emotional trauma. The common events that can cause this are from domestic abuse, car accidents, rape, assault, natural disasters, and/ or war. Symptoms that come with this are anxiety, tension, avoidance, stress, reliving the situations such as flashbacks of the event or uncomfortable reactions when reminded of the event to name a couple. Another is guilt from surviving the event. These are a few type of symptoms. Unfortunately, I am a victim to half of these mentioned. It took me a while to figure out how to deal with this; I now have a support system that seems to be growing slowly but surely. And that helps A LOT.This was a hard thing for me to do when I was in grade school and I wondered why that was; I also suffered from a disorder, manic depression (a.k.a. bi polar) and that messed me up real bad with school, work, relationships, and myself. I have been stable for about 6 years now. As Romeo says, "Problems there are always problems we face. We can learn from it and rebuild our life and making better choices." True, there are always going to be problems that pop up all throughout life, it's inevitable. Hopefully one can learn from the problem to not make the same mistake again in the future. Or learn how to deal with the problem if it shall present itself and then make better choices. "Alleviating that stress. It doesn't change what's going on outside of you it but it starts it slowly will start to change how you deal with it. Knowing that I can come here everyday; it's a safe environment. I can do what I need to do," Samira affirms. To lessen the stress; whatever happens on the outside, it won't change. Knowing that coming to Chabot everyday, it is a safe environment. With a safe environment, it's easier for one to take care of what they need to at school.
With my first struggle, this partially relates to my mom because as I was growing up, we never did get along and she was a negative Nancy towards me all the time. What affected me the most was that she called me a whore and blamed me for her divorce with my father; when in fact she was having an affair on my dad, had a child with this other guy. When he was born, my dad and I were the ones to raise him. My dad knew the whole time it wasn't his and I figured it out when she gave birth because he came out very very light skinned with light brown hair... and we're filipino! I don't know if there are albino Filipinos... She continued having her relationship with this guy until she divorced my dad (about 8 years later). They were still living together, sleeping on the same bed and acted like nothing was wrong.The divorce screwed me up because my dad didn't want me to live with him and told me to live with her. I felt like both of my parents didn't want me. When I lived with my dad, he ignored me all the while I was raising my kid on my own. As for my mom, it's as if she resents me; I could never figure out why. When I was younger, she always told me who I needed to become, it was the typical doctor or a nurse because it paid good money. So instead of asking "what do you want to be when you grow up, it's what kind of doctor do you want to be when you grow up?" I was trained to believe I wanted to be a pediatrician for the fact that I was pretty much raised all my younger cousins and younger brother at the time. Seemed like if I don't become that, I am a failure; to her and my family. I knew that was something I didn't want to do. As I grew up, I would talk about all the different careers I wanted to do. They were all never good enough. When I told my mom recently how I want to interpret sign language, first response was, "oh..do they make good money?" She didn't sound too thrilled. After the the fact she wouldn't help me go back to school, I never told her I went to school to get my G.E.D. and received it. I told her after, again, she didn't sound happy. I always hear her telling me, "You can't do it, you're not going to be anybody. You can't even finish school!" So every time I feel I'm moving forward, making a change in my life, I hear her. The first day I came to Chabot to take the assessment, I had a breakdown in the parking lot and didn't leave until about an hour later after I calmed down. I was too afraid to go back after that day. The second day I returned, I had my boyfriend come with me to support me. He was the one that made me go back, otherwise I wouldn't have. Then the first day of Fall semester, I was going to have another breakdown while going to class but everyone that I passed, smiled at me. That gave me comfort in knowing that I could get through my first day. I recently figured that I have lived most of my life without her. I should just continue to do that because when I do let her in, all she bring me is pain as if she doesn't want me to succeed. I can and will do it without her.
The other struggle I deal with is my self confidence. Confidence is having full on trust in one self or assurance. It is also to have believe in one or one's abilities or judgments. It is a an important trait to have because it is needed in everything one does. Many people suffer from this. For ones that cannot or do not find it struggle with becoming successful in life. "We are definitely scared to make mistakes in the classroom because it's embarrassing," Ray expresses. When one is embarrassed from making a mistake, it makes one feel withdrawn or extremely uncomfortable it makes one feel self-conscious. Fear to not be or look like one knows, feels rejected. When one feels rejected, one doesn't know what other people are thinking or saying to other people. If one knows the audience, it's creates less tension because they are already acquainted. The way I take action to overcome this is to continue to add to my support system, like make more friends, talk to instructors by small talk or through conferences. Emily claims, "The teacher's job is instilling passion and I've had several teacher's who've done that, is constant communication with the students, constant reassurance." A teacher is to give knowledge or help build skill and encourage it. A teacher is with a student sometimes more than their own parents. For that, they help create the safe and comfortable environment that may not be there at home. If a teacher is passionate about their work, they become the student's cheerleader. Once the bond is there, it never leaves one and becomes part of one's step forward in life.
My first semester was the hardest to deal with but it has become better with the actions I am making. Since I've been told how worthless I was for a good fifteen years from not only my mom, aunts, and guys I've dated it's a difficult mentality to break away from; it's just like an addiction. I've been also told that I wouldn't make a good mother and I would never have long time friends who would want to be involved with me.The sad part of it all is that when you hear it constantly over and over, you believe it. So as crazy as it may sound, I struggle with every assignment that I am given. I am always stressing out that it's not good enough so I have to keep pushing myself. If/when I get a good grade, I'm happy but I can't get myself to believe or accept that I'm not what my mom said about me. I am afraid that if I don't get a good grade on anything, I am what she says. I have become a failure which means I'm not going to be good at anything and I'll have to go back to the hard life. When I go back to the hard life, I will be a bad mother because all I would be doing is working just to provide and not having the time to be with them, watch them grow. Looking on the brighter side, the friends that I have made here, they have always been supportive when I ask for the help or not. I have built a great support system. Something as simple as a smile or a "hi", always reassures me that I am going to be OK, from friends or just anyone. Talking to instructors are equally on thee same level as my friends, if not a little more. Just being able to talk about school work, homework,what I need to work on, or just life helps boost me. An older (and wiser) instructor from myself giving me positive feedback with or without constructive criticism gives me comfort. It helps fill the void of assurance as bad as that may sound but is a good thing because I should be listening to someone that really sees my work; practically everyday rather than someone just seeing or hearing it. I find that to be extremely helpful; to be a single mom of two while going to school full time, I haven't interacted with one instructor that has been negative.
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